He was this popular, mysterious, lovable asshole that was screaming danger and darkness. Why is it that I attracted these lost souls? More importantly, why were they my comfort zone and why did they crave me? They made me survive, breathe, until I suffocated on their own poison that they were secretly infected with...was it a relief to have someone on the other side to create a life that no one else but you and him agreed with?- it's you and me against the world right?
You know him, you know his soul and yet everyone tells you that he's bad, he's trouble and he'll hurt you. How? he was so impressive with his urge to love me with such violence from being mad at allowing himself to have feelings. -isn't that madness beautiful? well, haven't you heard my love? I'm as poisonous as you are...because you made me that way- who's playing who?
your rough edges of pulling my hair in public, displaying ownership, projecting such power if someone even dares to touch me, reminding me that if you wanted to hurt me you could and the way you were proud to have me by your side, you'd never give that up, I know it. The fear of me leaving you was greater than your desire to indulge in sex with other women until you realized I'd be incapable of going anywhere. Let the games begin... The bling, dinners, presents...everything was calculated for you to hide your devilish ways of always letting me down and then promising me the world...over and over again...i'd fall into it...every time. I lived in a prison surrounded by your toxicity of mistreating me, hurting me and making me come back for more because you made me believe I could save you, that it wasn't your fault for sabotaging everything that caressed your fingertips. The future that we held was always so unclear but the games & rules were often broken to make each other feel pain, oh darling, that knife that would make your stomach twirl when I'd find clues that clearly proved you were dishonest and yet....I chose revenge and loving you again because, well, you couldn't resist me. - How can two people love and hate each other so much? the heart wants what it wants.
The day I really left you is the day you sent me to burn in hell. You destroyed me and I should have gave you up way before instead of letting you strip my clothes off and my soul with it. You happened, you broke me, you changed me but you also created me, you created a monster who's aware of the pain that a human can do to someone else...and for that I thank you, because now I can control and release my genuine desire to love, be kind and faithful to the one I choose to love.
Depending on how you grew up, there's always a reason why we attract a certain type of person...When we are aware of that, we become a little more careful of what we reflect and we start being a little more selfish when a broken soul wants to take yours. I can smell it a mile away now. Toxic relationships are real and yet so irrational that they leave you with a sense of a dream within a nightmare. Don't let yourself be destroyed by anyone who, in the end, will never be worth it. The darkness, sadness and breathless moments are so difficult to overcome that it is imperative to run away from these type of people. Yes, it's hard but sometimes you're left with not being able to find who you are, who you used to be and who to become. To rebuild yourself is to surround yourself by good people, to love someone who loves you back and only wants the best for you, it really is magical.
My standards of a perfect relationship are made of the smallest little things, I don't care what a man can provide materialistically, I care about what he can bring emotionally. A man that is just present, a supporter, a best friend, a kind lover, is really all I need-- These are the right foundations to built a life day by day and know that the only risk you're taking, is to not take any. It's a matter of entangling yourself from a toxic individual and say, no..this is not for me.
You happened, you broke me, you changed me but you also created me, you created a monster who's aware of the pain that a human can do to someone else...and for that I thank you, because now I can control and release my genuine desire to love, be kind and faithful to the one I choose to love.