I've often heard people talk about the moment their entire life changed, an absolute rotation of events as they surrendered to their religious, spiritual beliefs or simply decided to become a better person aka more positive. I had listened carefully to these "success" stories and wondered what was I possibly doing wrong? — Why was I always finding myself in painful situations? I understood I was blaming others, making the same mistakes over and over again and I was nurturing my own misery instead of acting on what I needed to change to become exactly the woman that I deserved to be. We all deserve that, man or woman and I had let too many people or tragedies in my life make me believe otherwise.
I was at a breaking point, down to my knees kind of scenario where I didn't think there would be light out of the tunnel. I am sure you can relate to that feeling, we've all been there and we've been told "everything will be okay." --will it though?
Positive reinforcement from your entourage is critical but what really saved me was looking for the tools to believe and affirm my own being that everything would, in fact, be okay.
My girlfriend, for her own sake we're going to call her “Mary”, watched me over and over again making the same mistakes, carrying my bag of crap that I held onto. She thought that when things were maybe getting better for me, the ceiling would crash over my head again. I was finally ready to listen to her, to hear her, to seek for help and stop acting like an independent fool proud of my destructive ways. Yup, I said it, that pride turned into a pillar to keep my head up high to pretend with a devilish smirk I had created all of this chaos on my own. Oh, stupid me.
One thing I did learn and I’ll tell you right now since we’re on that subject, you’re not fooling anyone. Think you’re in control and keep going against the universe, believe me that you will get a rude awakening for your stubborness. Ultimately your angel, your fate, call it whatever you want, truly want the best for you once you stop fighting against the currant .
Back to my poor friend trying to save me: she handed me the book "A return to love" written by Marianne Williamson. Besides the religious terms that at first glance rubbed me the wrong way, I actually felt for the first time completely understood by another human being. Marianne opened up in details that I thought were not only brave but undeniably inspiring. If that woman changed her life, her belief system, looked at life where all fears are merely only an illusion and above all love is the most important— why couldn’t I do that for myself? Of course the book is a little more complex than that, but bottom line is that you shouldn’t fear and process life with love.
Whoever you think “wants to hurt you” is not the truth. No one is trying to do that, as a matter of fact you should perceive them with love and understand that they are hurting more than you are. Also, forgiveness…letting go and praying for a miracle. It was finding my own reboot button never knowing I even had one! Say whhaaat?
They all say that the reboot button is not going to make everything pretty right away. That’s a little nerve-wracking at first and thought to myself, well thanks this makes me want to go for worst-than-this and hopefully come out alive to live the dream. Honestly as impatient as I was, I figured I had nothing to lose. The only thing keeping me from doing something stupid to myself was my little sister, and that’s ugly to admit.
So what’s a few more months of chaos with a rebooted mind and soul to get a happy life, love and be loved?
For some people they realize what needs to change before they get down to their knees, kuddos to them, I wasn’t one of those. I lived in my misery, darkness and sadistically liked it because I was too scared of what was possibly on the other side... but enough is enough.
After reading and processing carefully what my new mindset had to become: all love; fear is only an illusion. I still recall that morning walking around and feeling butterflies in my heart. I was looking at humans and seeing them with a whole different perspective. I understood that everyone has a story and I had to respect that beyond measures wether it involved me or not at all. I started clearing my head, If a destructive thought came along, I’d just repeat to myself “fear, delete.” I was basically reshaping my brain. Unlearning everything I had learned like a four year old; In a busy store and wanting to explode I’d repeat “love, just love” and so on. I was like a calculated thinking machine recycling my thoughts. Even though it was annoying, I treated myself like a patient who needed help and I needed to do this to turn my life around and to attract the right people in my life. Is that a real thing? When you start being positive, loving, seeing and desiring light….do you start welcoming those kind of humans in your life too? Well, I guess I am the living example of that. My life has completely changed. Completely. It was time for me to shut some doors and open new ones. Taking risks, say yes to things I’d never even imagine or consider and just bite into life like I had a second chance to eat my favorite meal all over again (if you know anything about me, you’d know how that’s my kinda heaven) I kept reassuring myself with “what do I have to lose?”— it was simple, “what would old Julie do in this situation? - Do the opposite.”
As I wrote this on the go & adventure with the love of my life traveling through the US...I just thought I'd share a bit oh how I got there...
It wasn't easy and will never be but the difficulties can change in their nature...the process of processing life becomes a whole new world when you don't think with a doomed mindset.
TO BE CONTINUED...